It’s been a bit over one year (and a five months since our last post). It’s safe to say that quite a lot has happened. A few unexpected turn of events which threw our world into disarray – our own personal chaos front and center. Our faith was tested, our patience felt like it was depleted but one thing grew: our love. Yes, you may be rolling your eyes as you read this and chalk it up to us still being the “honeymoon phase” but you’d be surprised as how our experience has been nowhere close to the bliss most newlyweds enjoy. At times it feels like we hit the ground running. As soon as we got back from our get-a-way it’s been non stop. But I digress…What can I say or share after one year? Expectations…throw them out the window! Most people approach marriage with pre existing goals, desires and expectations. A good number of these are heavily influenced by culture, family and society. Family expectations are the hardest to deal but it can be done. We have to remind ourselves that we married each other (as hard as it is to uphold sometimes). For example, marriage in our culture /families has always been synonymous with 1) owning a house 2) procreating. While these are good goals to have, it can put a lot pressure on young couples to “get their life started” when they haven’t even had a chance to live together. So we threw them out the window! Instead we are focused on how we can make each other happy. It may sound quixotic but it works. It forces us to listen, not just hear. To try and understand, not just acknowledge. For example, finances always become a point of contention in every relationship. During my bachelor years I could do as I pleased with my money, but that money is no longer just for me to spend – it has a new administrator. The typical approach would be set the expectation of shared finances, an agreement /approval has to be reached before any purchases can be made. That approach doesn’t work for us because it has the tendency to turn authoritarian. I know my wife likes to keep the books up to date. It makes her happy to know what we have and how much we can spend – not because she wants control but because we both like to shop! Seriously though, it brings her peace knowing how much we have should we need to dip into our resources. Because I know that, I run my purchases through her. There are things that I get without her knowing, but she’s informed. Additionally, this brings us back to center to where we work the best.
Growing up we were both subject to an iron fist type of rule: you do this cause I said so. While it imparted a sense of respect for authority and our elders, it also left us with a desire to fully understand why we do things. That is the best thing that could’ve happened to our marriage; but it’s also the hardest. We once shared with friends that we both love to argue and most of the time I end up winning the arguments. But the hardest thing for both us is getting to a point where we both understand each other. We don’t always get it right but we sure have fun doing so, sometimes we cry and most times we frustrate one another but because I love my wife I will do my best to put my pride aside and understand her. And I’m more than thankful she does the same with me. God is good.